Monday, December 31, 2012

A Personal Reflection from 2012....

You did WHAT?!?

Do you ever get to the end of the year and wonder "What the hell just happened"?  You sit back and you think about everything and you can't believe that ALL of those things could happen in that amount of time.  I take this moment to reflect on an experience from 2012 that was extremely personal and difficult. My hope is that it might help others who are face with a difficult decision.

A year ago at this time, I was making one of THE hardest decisions of my life.  Something that would change my way of living.  Something that would change my family unit as I knew it.  A decision so huge that I wasn't sure if I could actually do it even though in my gut, I knew it was the right thing to do.  Have you ever had to make one of those decisions?  One that pained you to the core?  One that took every ounce of selflessness that you could muster up?
“This was what love meant after all: sacrifice and selflessness. It did not mean hearts and flowers and a happy endings, but the knowledge that another's well-being is more important than one's own.” ― Melissa de la Cruz, Lost in Time
I have a 14 year old son (then 13) who adored his father and missed him.  I had spent the previous 13 years raising this boy to be kind hearted, caring and affectionate.  For the sake of this post we will refer to him as "J".  I made sure J knew that a relationship with his father was important and wanted him to always be comfortable and free to love him as he chose regardless of my feelings towards his dad.  You see, even though  J's father and I couldn't work things out, I always said to myself....this is not his fault and I will do everything in my power to remember that he is the most important thing.  I will forever make the necessary sacrifices for his well being.  I love this boy with every ounce of my being...he is my world. 
For about a year and a half, J had been hinting at the fact that he wanted to go and live with his dad (6 hours away) and naturally there was a strong force of encouragement from his dad to make this happen.  The big issue there was his dad did this in a very negative way, making me feel like I was not doing a good job of parenting.  Of course, my initial reaction was...NO WAY!  I just didn't believe this was what was best for him.  Only I could give him what he needed....right? At least that is what I believed.  As time went on and it continued to be mentioned and he started growing up, my feelings began to change.  You see he never said he wanted to live with his dad in anger towards me.  A lot of times you hear kids doing this because they are mad at the other parent or didn't like the discipline so they use this as a tactic.  This was never the case with J.  When I would talk to him about it and ask him why he wanted to live with his dad he would say "I miss him and I just want to be with him for a while".  I started to realize that my "little boy" is starting to grow up and he is really needing his dad more than ever before.  Then the dreadful question....."Was it time to let him go?"

I can feel a KNOT in my throat

Christmas 2012 - one of the most difficult to date.  I was troubled, I was confused, I was sad but yet I had to put on a happy face and a good celebration for the sake of my family.  No one can know my inner struggles.  I must be steadfast.  All the while, my heart was in pieces.  I knew exactly what I needed to do but how could I ever do it?  I needed to make the call to J's dad and discuss a move with him and let him know that I had decided to let him go and see how it worked out.  But, how could I possibly do that?  I knew that once that phone call was made.....it was locked in.  It was happening.  My boy, that filled my cup up everyday with his smile and hugs, would not be there at the end of the day.  It was almost insurmountable.
"When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts.  A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child." ~ Sophia Loren
I had to keep reminding myself, this is NOT about you Nichole...this is about J.  He needs his father in his life right now.  I had to tell myself, just because his father may not do things exactly as I would do them....doesn't make them wrong. Christmas passed and then New Year's and I finally mustered up the courage to make the call.  He would move in a few short weeks.  It took so much courage to step off that ledge and make the call but once I did a huge weight lifted.  Don't get me wrong....I hung up the phone and sobbed but at least the initial sting was over.  Next ledge would be saying good bye.

This might be a FREE FALL! 

February 11, 2011 - The moment of truth.  The day had come.  That day that I had never imagined.  That day that I thought would never come....but alas it did.  All of his belongings packed into the car we (my husband, myself and J), the family as it had been for many years, drove the 400 miles to Montana.  I was holding myself together surprisingly well.  After all, I was at peace with my decision and that helped.  Reality was soon to set in...in a big way.  As we pulled up to the house that my boy would now call his home....I could feel the knot in my throat again.  This is where the self talk started...."keep it together", "you can do this", "don't let him see you cry", "you don't want J to feel bad because he sees you crying", "you want him to feel good about this". 

As we unpacked his belongings and helped him settle into his new digs....things were going fairly well.  J continued to unpack as my husband and I sat and talked with J's dad and step-mom.  We discussed all the details they would need for a smooth transition to his new school.  It seemed like the conversations repeated and I was dragging them out as long as possible.  The thought of walking out that door was EXCRUCIATING.  Finally, there was nothing more to say but.....Good bye.  I could feel that moment arrive.  I have never known a moment where it was so incredibly hard to hold back the tears than this moment.....I wanted to sob but I wouldn't allow myself.  As we all exchanged hugs, my eyes welled up, I did my best to shield my son from my heartache.  My husband said his goodbyes and was instantly hit with the anguish of the moment.  As I walked out the door....it was as if I was free falling....praying that someone would catch me.  With my back to the door the tears streamed down my face.  The minute the car door closed....it was time to let it out.  THANK GOD for my husband at that moment, he caught me.

Where there's a will....there's a way

It's been almost a year.  The pain is still as real as it was then, but I have found a way to move on in spite of the difficulty and heartache I faced.  I had to, or I would have fallen to pieces.  As with everything in life, there have been good moments and bad moments in regards to this topic.  There have been times over the past year when I felt so down that I didn't know how to get back up.  The answer? LOVED ONES.  I see my son today and know that he is happy, healthy, thriving and well adjusted.  I have peace knowing I did the right thing.....for HIM.  Doesn't make it hurt any less but peace of mind is a powerful thing.

I believe you have to have a will to do what's right and have faith that even though it hurts....it is the right thing and you can have peace knowing that.  I believe that in the years to come, J will realize the sacrifice I made.  He will love and appreciate me that much more because of it.

And the period at the end of the sentence?

Love means sacrifice and selflessness.  It takes an enormous amount of inner strength to do the right thing despite what your heart is telling you.  Sometimes you have to lead your heart instead of letting your heart lead you.  You see, our heart is filled with so many emotions that can lead us astray and deceive the mind.  I think the saying "follow your heart" is misguided and everyone should spend a little more time LEADING their hearts.  I challenge you to lead your heart this New Year.  Make 2013 a year that you do the right thing no matter how difficult it may be.  I believe the rewards are endless.

Happy New Year everyone!
Until next time....Lay it out and ROCK IT!

1 comment:

  1. You did the right thing Nichole.Damn it must have been hard too do that but like you said in the end your son will see that you put his needs and wants first.I hope your heart never breaks like that again.You've made me think of some hard changes I need to make in my life.its so hard to change the way other people think,but I have never put myself first in any relationship and hope I get the strenght too do so soon.I Admire your strenght and selflishness!I hope 2013 brings you nothing but joy and happiness!

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